A Cup of Grace – with a shot of espresso

A recent conversation has me thinking about how we develop friendships. One cannot deny the importance of friendship in our lives. Studies have shown it’s one of the key factors to an increased lifespan. Even for those who are introverts, isolation is not good for us. God created us for companionship, first with Himself and then with others. 

And yet… for many of us this is a struggle once we leave schooling behind. We live under the belief that friendship is as organic as the weeds in my garden. We expect it to “just happen.” After all, isn’t that what happened in school? Not really. Rather the conditions were fertile for developing friendships, making the work seem easy.

We started with those early grade school friendships. Junior High often undid and remade friendships as we began to explore who we were becoming. This undoing and remaking often came in waves up through high school as we decided what our values were. But in all cases, friendships were developed over time and with lots of contact. We saw our friends daily and often shared classes with them as well as other activities. 

What we can observe then is that the growth of friendship is generally limited by or encouraged by contact time over a time span. The combination is crucial. This is why we can go to church for years with the same people, see them weekly during a five minute meet and greet time but not feel like we would count them as close friends. We like them. Trust them even. But we don’t randomly call, text, or invite them over. 

Deep friendships, the kind we long for where we can share our hearts, don’t happen by accident. I’m a little ashamed to admit that it’s taken me a long time to learn this. In fact, it was watching my oldest daughter pursue her friendships in college that taught me. She talked about admiring the intentionality of others and began to strive to imitate it. And I was her student. She modeled for me, and still does, what it looks like to make time for those who are important to her. 

If you’ve never moved, then you may take the friendships of a lifetime for granted. I know what it is to move into a place and be the outsider. I’ve done it at least three times in my life. The sad thing is I’ve discovered it is often easier to make friends with other outsiders. 

This isn’t because the “townies” are mean or even purposefully exclusive. They just have a shared history that goes back to grade school.  Neither do they necessarily feel the empty spot in their lives that the new arrival is experiencing. 

We all understand the need to reach out to the “new kid.” We can see it clearly in a classroom setting, but when it is in our own church or peer group, we aren’t so good at spotting it. I think this is because we don’t feel the need they do. We are busy living our lives with the family and friends and job we have. It simply doesn’t cross our minds that this person needs us to draw them in.  

My daughters have both moved several times. Each time meant finding new friends. My younger one was in a country where she didn’t speak the language and had no one she knew close by. She had the courage to step into a church – again where she didn’t understand a word of what was said, but what happened there was a gift from God. 

One young mom who spoke minimal English reached out and adopted her. My daughter wasn’t given much of a choice as P. Toi dragged her home after church, fed her, looked out for her and took her back home in the late evening. I still tear up thinking about it.  That family did that every Sunday for a year and a half. P. Toi checked up on her and cared for her in every way she could. This completely changed her experience.

Now, my daughters, who live together, have made hospitality a part of their practice. They invite other young women (mostly) over for brunch or dinner. They create opportunities outside of school and church to deepen friendships. They also continue to faithfully reach out and keep contact with those who are no longer in close proximity. In other words, they make time to cherish friendships. 

So why am I writing about this? Because it is my own weakness, and I have stood on both sides. Therefore, I am addressing both those who are comfortably surrounded by friends and those who are lonely. To the first group, the challenge is to truly see those who are new or are on the outside for some reason. They need us to reach out, to give them time and attention, to open our hearts to the possibility of a new friendship deepening. 

What about those whom we haven’t seen in awhile? Can we stop saying “let’s get together sometime” and start saying “when are you available?” Friendships need to be nurtured. Doesn’t it feel good when someone else reaches out to you? Why not give that gift to someone else?

To those who are lonely: who else is feeling what you’re feeling? Trust me. There is someone – a neighbor, a coworker, someone at church. We tend to be narrow in our vision when we look for friends. Broaden your scope. They may be in your age group or they may not. They may look and think like you, but maybe they don’t. Someone needs you. There is someone you can invite to get to know. When we take our eyes off of ourselves, and seek to serve others, we often found our own needs are met.

Proverbs 18:24a reminds us, “A man who has friends must himself be friendly.”  Friendships can’t develop if we aren’t reaching out. But let me remind you that true friendship takes time. Be patient. Be faithful. Keep the doors of your heart and home open. 

The world treats friendship with a “what’s in it for me” approach. Therefore, if someone doesn’t align with our way of thinking, or make time for us, or enhance our lives in some way, then we are encouraged to cut them out. However, that was not Jesus approach.

Instead, Galatians 6:2 instructs us that as believers we are to carry one another’s burdens. This is how we fulfill Christ’s instructions to love one another. Walking alongside someone through difficult times is far from a “what’s in it for me” attitude.

In God’s economy, love doesn’t keep accounts. God’s view of friendship is “what can I do for you”.  (This is not a friendship without boundaries, which is more than I can address in this space.) We are at our best when we imitate Him. God calls us to relationship with Him, but if He “cut us out” because we failed to carry our end of the friendship, not one of us would survive the purge. 

God is looking for people who will learn to be hospitable and generous, who will learn to love easily and not keep score. He has a heart for the oppressed, those on the fringes, the lonely. And He wants us to share His heart. He wants to use us to let those people know that they are seen, known, and loved by Him. This is living with purpose and intentionality. This is hard work because it is sacrificial. 

I want my heart to reflect God’s. Who is God nudging you to reach out to? What will you do about it?