A Cup of Grace – with a shot of espresso

Very recently I was introduced to the philosophy of approaching a problem backward. Instead of asking “how can I succeed,” ask “what would guarantee my failure.” Charlie Munger, an associate of Warren Buffet, is credited with this approach. 

I have just begun to explore and think about what this looks like. For Charlie, when he was in meteorology for the military, he asked himself “how do I kill these pilots?” In other words, he was looking for the conditions that would be fatal in order to avoid making those mistakes. I began to wonder what that would look like if applied to my walk with Christ. 

Sometimes, as Christians, we have this sense that we aren’t doing enough, that we should be better Christians. We should serve more, be on this committee, attend this many church services, read our Bibles more, pray more, make meals from scratch, be perfectly organized, discipline our children better…. The list can go on and on. But how do we discern what is really important, especially in the midst of busy lives? Very often, we are overwhelmed and simply shove it all to the back burner or we take on one more thing we don’t really have the life space for (time, energy or emotions).

I want to pose a question. What does being a Christian look like from God’s perspective? In order to answer that question,  let’s first ask why God wanted to save us in the first place. John 3:16 spells it out. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes on Him might be saved.” Love. That is God’s motivating factor. 

Starting in the Old Testament, the Bible demonstrates that God seeks relationship with humans. Genesis tells us that He made a habit of walking with Adam and Eve in the garden every evening. He didn’t just create the world and walk away or stand back the way an artist might. He didn’t hang it on the wall and go to His next project. Instead, He sought relationship with two small beating hearts within it. 

And when that relationship was broken through their sin, God began to carry out His plan to restore relationship with humankind. We see a hint of His plan when He says to Satan, “And I will put enemity between your seed and her Seed. HE shall bruise your head and you shall bruise His heel.” (Genesis 3:15) So when we get to John 3:16, this love isn’t new, and it isn’t infatuation. This love isn’t about plants and animals, oceans and mountains; it’s about us. It’s about bringing us into restored relationship with Him.

So instead of asking what should I be doing, let’s try: How can I have a better relationship with God? If He sent Jesus to restore relationship, then what does that mean? 

Let’s begin by defining the relationship. What kind of relationship are we talking about?  In Scripture, God’s people are described in several different ways: sheep, children, priests and a bride. Each has lessons to teach us, but for the sake of our discussion, I think the marriage relationship is perhaps the best frame of reference to use. 

What does it mean to be Christ’s bride? What should a marriage relationship look like? It is at this point, I want to try the Charlie Munger inversion approach. Instead of asking, how can I make my relationship with God better, let’s flip that on its head. How can I destroy my relationship with God?

Before we go any further, I want to be very clear: If you have accepted Christ as your Savior, keeping your salvation is in God’s hands, not yours. You are sealed with His Holy Spirit, and it is beyond your power to undo that. God doesn’t do divorce. However, the quality of the relationship is in your hands. 

If we are using the marriage relationship as our model, then how does one go about destroying one’s own marriage? There are several effective ways to do this.  I will not hit them all. But here’s a place to start. 

Infidelity. This is probably the first thing that popped into your mind. Cheating, betrayal of trust, is one of the quickest routes of destruction. But how might I cheat on God? God uses the language of cheating when He references the Israelites turning to idols. If you read my post East Meets West, you may remember that an idol is anything I place my trust in apart from God: money, control, appearance, health, family, job, education, awards, being liked, etc. 

I may struggle to keep any one or more of these in their proper place, but when they replace my trust in God, when I am sure I cannot do without them, when I use them as an excuse not to obey, I have an idol. I am being unfaithful. I run to that thing in my time of need. 

Seeking to meet my needs, whether sexual or emotional, in a person outside the marriage partnership is infidelity and destructive. 

No Communication or Superficial Communication. Ignoring a spouse or having little to no time for them might be a slightly slower route of destruction, but it is certainly as effective. An unwillingness to engage in heart to heart conversation creates barriers and a lack of trust. A marriage relationship takes lots of honest communication. 

So if I want a withering relationship with God, I need to make sure I spend very little time talking to Him. If I do talk to Him, my prayers should be recited with no real thought or heart involvement. If I want to avoid a growing closeness and intimacy, I also want to fail to make time to listen. 

Me First. We live in a culture that celebrates self. We are bombarded with messages about being “true to yourself,” “self care” the importance of “self expression.” Marriage isn’t about self. Marriage is about “we,” and when one partner is wholly self centered, the erosion process has begun. 

True love looks outward. True love is sacrificial. God didn’t spare Jesus because of His love for us. Jesus paid a sacrifice we can barely stand to look at or try to imagine. But if I want to damage this relationship, I need to be in it for what I can get out of it. I should demand my own way and be angry and bitter when it doesn’t happen.

Be Ungrateful. If I want to chip away at my marriage, I need to simply expect the good things done for me. Add to that complaining and moaning when I don’t get what I think I want, and I have the recipe for an unhappy and downward spiraling marriage. 

God fills our lives with daily good, but if I don’t want a thriving love life with Him, I need to take those things and run. I should believe they are my due. My only prayers are lists of things I want done, a honey-do list. Let the whining commence. 

There are other ways to destroy a marriage relationship (disrespect, assuming the worst, putting up emotional walls, playing the blame game), but I hope you’ve gotten the idea. So let’s return to the original question, how can I have a better relationship with God? It’s pretty straightforward: avoid the pitfalls. Practice fidelity by trusting Him. Make two way honest communication with Him a part of your lifestyle. Seek His will above your own, and express gratitude for all the good He pours out over you. 

A good marriage takes work and practice. Initially, these things may not be easy because they are not habits, ways of thinking.  Let me encourage you to stick with it. A good marriage holds a lifetime of blessings and this is even more true about our relationship with God. He is the perfect partner. His patient faithfulness is born out of a love for us that we barely comprehend. Who doesn’t want to experience love like that?

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