A Cup of Grace – with a shot of espresso

I heard it said one time that attention is the most basic form of love. I think there is truth in that. Neglect of someone does at least as much harm as hatred, but I think attention is just the beginning. 

Over and over I have come across the idea that one of people’s core longings is to be seen. This is not simply the acknowledgement of their physical presence. This is also more than the longing for community. Community is piece of it, but we can live in community and still feel isolated. Being seen encompasses the idea of being deeply understood, known, and accepted for who we are. 

Clinical psychologists refer to this as a need for validation. Validation is NOT agreeing with or approving of someone’s behavior.  (Most people see a psychologist because they recognize that they have issues that need to change.) Rather, it is “slipping into their shoes” and trying to understand their reasons for feeling/acting a particular way. We may recognize that someone’s behavior is unhealthy, foolish, or even wrong, but the challenge is to let them tell us why they do it. Can we sympathize with the why?  

Love and validation go hand in hand. How can I feel loved by someone who doesn’t understand me? And yet, it is common mistake we make even with those we truly do love. We advise them on change but skip over seeking to understand.

Many times I have jumped to the conclusion that I understood the problem and have the perfect solution. But, I have failed to dig, to ask questions that truly help me see through the other person’s eyes. I am a former teacher, and turning off the instinct to instruct is difficult. I am fully engaged in the conversation.  I want to help them, and I begin to talk.  Sometimes they nod and at least are kind enough to look thoughtful. Some even say I have helped them.  But others (especially my adult children) will look at me and tell me why my ideas won’t work. 

Here’s my part of the problem.  The minute I start offering my ideas, I am no longer listening – truly listening. When I share an opinion on someone else’s situation, I invite someone into an either or situation.  They either will agree with me – in which case I may not have helped them think more deeply.  Or they will disagree, dig in and defend, still not thinking more deeply.  I am learning that asking questions may be my best response.  Not the “leading you to the right answer” questions – but honest questions born out of curiosity – that help them think it through. 

This is difficult for me. I am bent toward problem solving. (Though, honesty compels me to admit that when my husband practiced problem solving on me in our early marriage, it nearly always made me angry.) What I am learning is that walking alongside someone as they solve their own problems is much more effective. What I want to develop is a compassionate curiosity that says to others, “I see you. I hear you. I want to understand” before I dare to encourage them to be better. 

Interestingly, when we receive validation, we are more open to change. Validation is “I understand and accept where you are,” but it can also be accompanied by I want you to be better. Too many preach that “validation” means we must give approval. This simply is not the case. Patting someone on the back and saying “you’re ok as you are” when they are practicing destructive behaviors is not love.

I want to be compassionately curious because this is one way I can reflect who God is and more fully live out my own identity. (For more on identity, see: Knowing Yourself isn’t What You Think) Fairly early on in the Old Testament God is named as “The God who sees.” In fact, He’s recognized as this, not by one of the OT “greats” but by an Egyptian slave girl who has run away from Sarah, Abraham’s wife. Hagar would have been classed as a “nobody” in the culture, yet she was somebody to God. He reached down and met her where she was.

God sees and hears us in the most intimate way possible. Nothing is hidden from Him. He demonstrated validation (seeing with compassionate understanding) when God became man, set aside His glory to live among us. Jesus was tired, hungry, lonely, tempted to sin, overworked, sought after for all the wrong reasons, betrayed, mocked, falsely accused…. In other words, He understands, and He offers us more than just suggestions on how to do better. He offers us complete forgiveness of our own failings and power of the Holy Spirit. Through Him, we become better. 

I can’t do THAT for others. But I can learn to be compassionately curious in order to better understand someone’s heart. I can point them to the One who can make them into a better version of themselves. I can share God’s word and what He’s taught me through it. 

I believe that this longing to be seen is God created. I also believe that He gave us this longing that only He can truly fill so we would seek Him. Do you feel seen and understood by God? Have you poured out your heart before Him and listened for His response? Have you given Him your attention (the most basic form of love) or are you paying attention to everything else and wondering why He’s not talking to you?

I want us to recognize that God sees us and loves us where we are in the middle of our mess. He calls us to be something better by walking with Him, following His commands. But I also want to challenge us to fulfill the second greatest commandment, “to love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). Since we aren’t all-knowing, we need to practice asking questions, developing a deeper understanding. Let’s imitate God by “seeing” others, especially those we find difficult to love. Let’s let Him love them through us.

If you found this post enjoyable or thought provoking in any way, please feel free to share it with someone else. My desire is to encourage and challenge others in their own relationships with God.