A Cup of Grace – with a shot of espresso

I enjoy bird life. I am not a bird watcher per se, but I am constantly delighted by the vast variety of sizes, colors, and calls found within this phylum. (The photo above was shared with me by my dear friend Nancy Burton who IS an avid bird watcher. Thank you, Nancy!)) As a midwesterner I am surrounded by wonderful variety in my own backyard. The calls of the dove make a morning feel soft and inviting. The darting of the hummingbirds always make me smile. Each bird fills it’s own place and purpose in the world. Do you think one bird ever wishes it was a different species? Does the dove wish she were a hummingbird? If she were able, would she take photos and use filters to make herself more colorful? Would she opt for size reducing surgeries? 

That probably sounds ridiculous. Yet, how often do we wish to be something we are not? Me, I’d like to have naturally curly hair and about two to four more inches on my height. As a teenager, I would have asked for clear green eyes instead of brown. Brown just seemed mundane. Why do I think curly hair is better, or being taller would be an improvement? I don’t know that I have a good reason for either, except that I look at another and wish for what I don’t have. The problem is within me, not in my outward appearance. 

I am not alone in my dissatisfaction. It seems to be a very human problem. We are drawn to what we deem beautiful and want it for ourselves. In fact, our world has been rapidly trending to an increase in what I will call Artificial Beauty, AB. By artificial, I mean anything we are not born with. That covers everything from perms to fake nails to collagen to implants and tucks. It also includes camera filters and other digitalized modifications to photos.

Women have pursued beauty probably for as long as there has been more than one woman on the earth. Certainly all cultures across the span of time have used all sorts of techniques to create what they considered the most beautiful look. Tattoos, foot binding, tooth filing, head binding, body piercings, white makeup, Kohl eyeliner all were for the same purpose – to achieve a desired form of beauty. 

So AB has been in existence nearly as long as women’s desire to be beautiful, but our ability for widespread comparison has increased dramatically in the last several years. How do we determine what is beautiful? How do we decide that we fall short of the standard? 

I think there are two primary driving forces for those answers. The first is comparison. We look at another and decide we wished we had “that.” Originally, we had only those in our immediate vicinity with which to compare ourselves. Now, however, we are exposed to faces and bodies from around the world. And, depending on our use of TV and the internet, there is a nearly constant flow of images before our eyes. This makes it increasingly difficult to be content with our own appearance.

The second driving force to our discontent is the feedback we get from the world around us. Why is it that the negative messages we get seem to be so much more powerful than the positive? People who truly love us and see us, all of us, who see the surface and the layers below can tell us how pretty we are. But one negative comment from someone outside that circle is like a grenade to our self esteem. (The damage is significantly worse when it comes from within that circle!)

The problem is now the negative messages are much more subtle. “Use this cream so you minimize fine lines.” “Use this hair color to add rich highlights to your hair.” Neither one sounds negative. But in order to want the cream, we first have to believe the fine lines are a negative, a detractor from beauty. In order to want rich highlights we must believe that the highlights we have are not enough. (I have bought into both messages, by the way.) 

But now, my heart is sending warning signals about what appears to be a huge uptick in AB. More and more celebrities are becoming what I would call “ultra processed.” Who can blame them? They are constantly judged on their appearance. They get far more criticism than we know. But the trend for dramatic AB enhancement has quickly leaked into the population as a whole.

Start by considering what we do with simply our photos, now. We have the ability to create an “ultra processed” version of ourselves with the use of all sorts of filters. The version we give the digital world no longer really looks like us. I’m all for “showing your best self, “ but at some point, we are lying.

So what? Most people who see those filtered images will never actually see us. Where’s the harm in using filters? Let’s look under the surface. If we truly believe that we look better with these changes, but the changes on the camera don’t match what we see in the mirror, what is the natural progression? We will increasingly long to look like what the filters produce. Which, by default, means that we will become more and more unhappy with what is in the mirror. Our version of beauty becomes less and less authentic, and we can’t achieve it without artificial help, and fairly dramatic help. 

I am not anti anything as I write this. I’m just concerned. Surgeries, makeup, hair coloring and the vast spectrum of AB products and tools that are before us can do good. But I say this with a warning label. As long as we are comparing ourselves to others and fixated on achieving outward beauty, we will never be content. (I’ve said this in an earlier post, and I still believe it.) 

No amount of material possessions will quell our desire for more. Nor will any amount of weight lost, tummies tucked, lines botoxed, hair colored, permed, straightened etc. satisfy our desire to be “beautiful.” For just as there will always be something new to add to our collection of stuff, so too will there be someone whom we believe is prettier than we are and one more way we fall short. There will always be the next new offering (complete with “perfected” models) to convince us that we need to change something else. And we will buy into that belief. 

So chasing beauty as a physical manifestation has the power to be ultimately destructive. The harder we chase it, the more mentally and emotionally destructive it can be. For we will still fail to measure up. As long as we believe that to be beautiful we must achieve “x”, we will be unhappy. “X” will keep morphing and slipping just beyond our grasp. 

This chase can also negatively impact the attitudes we hold toward others. We give those who are “beautiful” too much credit. We put too much faith in their opinions and seek to imitate them. And we look for their flaws in order to make ourselves feel better. We idolize the wrong things and hope to tear down our idols at the same time. 

So what’s my point? I think we need to adjust what we value about ourselves. Self esteem isn’t built by products and surgeries and filters. Self esteem is when we understand that the God of the universe made us and sees us as having deep worth (frizzy hair, muffin top and all). He gave His Son to die in our place so that we might have fellowship with Him (John 3:16).

This self esteem built on God’s love is humble, for it recognizes that life isn’t about her. This self esteem is freeing, for she is free to love others without comparison. She becomes more and more comfortable, even grateful, for the skin she is in. Ironically, truly healthy self esteem is almost self forgetfulness. Her face and heart are turned upward and outward. The mirror and the scale are understood as only surface reflections and used as tools rather than measurements of value.  

I’m coming to the conclusion that we become the most beautiful when we chase fulfilling who God intended us to be. The dove and the humming bird are two very different birds. One is gentle grays and whites. The other a riot of shimmery colors. One has a gentle musical coo. The other’s call is high pitched cheeps. Our world would be a poorer place if the dove spent all its time and effort on being a humming bird. (Note that it was a dove that Noah used to determine if the waters had receded enough to get out of the ark.)

Yes. There is such a thing as aesthetic beauty. But it does not give a person value. That’s why God tells Samuel that “Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart” (I Samuel 16:7b). Are we spending as much time chasing a beautiful heart as we are a beautiful face? Do I worry about the scars of sin and the lines of bitterness that harden my heart more than I worry about the fine lines around my mouth and eyes. Do I pursue a heart that glows with the love of Jesus more than I pursue glowing skin? 

What beliefs about your appearance have you unquestionably accepted? Do you evaluate your thoughts for truth? Do you question the messages you are bombarded with as you scroll? Do you even recognize what is really being said and its subtle impact on you? We must think critically about the beauty messages out there, for they easily become a part of our belief system.

Just as AI is growing in our culture and has potential for both great good and great destruction so too is AB. AB is not wrong any more than AI is evil. The problem is not the product but the users intentions. So I am not telling you to cancel your hair appointment or to stop wearing make up. I’m not telling you to to not get the tummy tuck or the Botox injections. Nor do I believe that those who are “just natural” are any better than those who are “ultra processed”.

Rather, I am asking you about your beauty routine for your heart. There are no filters or AB products there. True beauty is found in who you ARE. All the rest is really an uphill losing battle. One I fight too. I just have to ask myself am I spending too much time and energy on the wrong battle. The other battle, the one for my heart, is the one that matters into eternity.