A Cup of Grace – with a shot of espresso

If I’m being transparent with you, I will tell you that sometimes I start feeling kind of…well, directionless. When I was teaching it was easy to know what I was doing and why, and I received a fair amount of affirmation for doing so. 

I’ve been out of the classroom for nearly two years, and still, when someone says “So, what are you doing with your time?” I struggle to give what feels like an adequate answer.  I’m “stuck” in this place where I have no idea of what I’m “supposed” to be doing. 

There ARE times I’m comfortable in that. I can see clearly that the flexibility of my days allows me to be there for friends, help out my grown children, go on mission trips with my husband.  It has given me the space of time and thought to reach out and encourage others because I’m not running from one thing to the next.  I have the time to do focused writing. But that’s not a consistent “to-do” list that helps me answer the question when others ask. 

So, although I am not in the midst of some really hard thing (in fact, I am in the midst of incredible blessing), I sometimes struggle with feelings of inadequacy, uselessness. These feelings can make me question the value of what I’m contributing. If I’m not vigilant, this begins to spiral into a type of lethargy. I don’t feel like exercising.  I don’t feel like getting up early (I never do!).  I don’t feel like writing.  I don’t feel like…fill in the blank.  And since my schedule is flexible, it becomes easier and easier to put things off. 

Are our feelings always an accurate portrayal of the situation? No. In fact, our feelings are just the lens through which we interpret the situation. Which means – we can change lenses. That said, I’m not here to discuss that idea. Rather, I’m here to say that acknowledging how we feel about things is important.  We could at this point do a deep dive into WHY we feel the way we do, but I believe that is of secondary importance. I think the next question to tackle is what are we going to DO in the midst of our feelings. 

I don’t mean what are we going to do to fix those feelings.  Rather, what actions need to take place  in spite of our feelings? Negative emotions are a fact of life.  Not everything in life is good and right, and sometimes even when it is, we react in a negative way.  I’m not encouraging you to indulge those negative emotions.  I am acknowledging that changing them can be difficult. But whether we can change them or not, I think it’s important to know what to do  – to know that we CAN do – even with those feelings weighing our steps. 

What does this look like in action?  It looks like doing what we know needs to be done even when we don’t FEEL like it. It looks like self discipline rather than self indulgence. I don’t feel like exercising (There is no argument in favor of being sedentary, but there are LOTS of “reasonable” excuses: my back hurts, I’m tired, I don’t have “time”, etc. However, none of those disprove that exercise is important for the body), but I do SOMETHING anyway…lift, run, take a 10 minute walk, do 20 air squats and a couple of knee pushups.  Whatever it is, I am by taking action refusing to let how I feel dictate what I do or don’t do.   

I don’t want to: study, write a paper, cook dinner, compose a blog, stop to read my Bible, fold laundry etc… Years ago I was introduced to Flylady. (She is an online resource for those of us to whom house cleaning does not come naturally.) She introduced me to a series of systems, but perhaps her single piece of advice that has stuck is “You can do anything for fifteen minutes. Now, set a timer and go do.”

I learned a couple of things as I applied this to the tasks I disliked and tended to avoid. The first was that many of those tasks took far less than fifteen minutes. (Emptying the dishwasher took about three!) The second was that if I set the timer and BEGAN, I was much more likely to find the task wasn’t as bad as anticipated, and I would finish it even if the task took longer than the timer.  The timer merely gave me permission to walk away if I wanted. 

This was Flylady’s answer to the lethargy, the dragging of the feet to do what you don’t feel like doing.  (I later found it applied well to grading essays.) I also discovered that action was the best cure for those self-defeating feelings. Getting one more essay graded gave me a sense of satisfaction that procrastination never gave. Ten minutes of any kind of exercise almost always improves my outlook on life.

However, I have also recently realized that these times of feeling directionless or unmotivated may actually be a training ground for me.  In God’s hands, nothing is wasted. If it is a training ground, what skills may God be refining within me? Without the constraints of a demanding schedule, I can definitely say that I am needing to increase in self-discipline. This is not a new skill, but when left to my own devices, it clearly needs to be strengthened. 

Then there’s simply the skill of writing/communication. Certainly writing for this blog is working on that.  For, you are vastly mistaken if you think that I simply churn something out and send it. You never see my first draft. Rather, what you see is something that I have gone over and over, adding, deleting, changing, tweaking.  (And I’m sure, even after I publish it, there are improvements that could be made.)

I’m also working on my “faithfulness as a friend” skill. My friends can attest that keeping in contact is not one of my strengths. I love them, but somehow, I struggle to make phone calls and schedule time together. (It makes no sense to me either.) Before, I was “too busy.” That excuse is gone now, and God has begun to use this time to challenge me to improve in this area.

Here’s the thing. Learning and developing skills take effort, and, let’s be honest.  Very few of us LIKE effort. We’re fine as long as things are easy, but when they become difficult and our “don’t feel like it” kicks in, it’s much more difficult.  Here’s the aha for me: if I am to hone my skill of self discipline, then every time I “don’t feel like it,” I am presented a chance to practice that skill. And the ONLY way to strengthen a skill is to PRACTICE IT.  

Is there something where your feelings are an obstacle to where you need to go or what you need to do? Maybe you too are in training ground of some sort.  What is God currently refining in your life? Take a moment to reflect.  Ask Him. Then,  let me remind you once again that it is in the effort – the hard work and the sweat – that growth occurs. Perhaps that perspective shift alone will encourage you to put in the effort, to not shy away from the learning.