A Cup of Grace – with a shot of espresso

Happy Birthday to me… in about 14 days. My birthday falls just before the new year, so for a long time, this time of year has been one of reflection as well as goal setting. Before you get the wrong impression, let me just say that I, for many years, set goals – whole plans of action, pages and pages of steps and good ideas – only to leave them wallowing in neglect within about two weeks.  

Then August would roll around. I would be thinking about the start of a “new” year in terms of being a student and then a teacher, and the process would begin again. Once I started teaching, I generally liked to spend a little time thinking about what I wanted to accomplish over my summer as well. Though, this was far less involved. 

All that planning and still I failed over and over again to be consistent, to accomplish all my plans. Yet, as I look back over the years, I do see a slow progress. I have improved in a number of areas. However, I often beat myself up for my lack of total completion. Gradually, I have begun to learn that it is about progress NOT perfection. (I still forget.  I am far more likely to focus on my “failings” than on the improvements made.)

I know I am not alone. So many of us have tried the “goal setting thing”, discovered that the doing is much harder than the planning, failed to achieve the goals set, and given up setting any goals or doing any real reflecting because “it didn’t work”. 

There are so many things to consider here! Have we ever wondered if we set the right goals? What about how many goals we set? Why have we chosen the goals we’ve chosen? Why did we quit trying to accomplish the goals we set? Are they still objectives we value?  What did we do to support our pursuit of those goals? Did we evaluate why we fell short?

Perhaps you are shaking your head.  “You’ve got to be kidding.  She’s asking me to think deeply about anything like that NOW.  Does she have any idea of the list of things I have to do to be ready for Christmas?! Isn’t this more of a January discussion?” 

You are right.  Ten days before Christmas for most of us is hectic, filled with expectations of ourselves that put ridiculous amounts of mental and emotional pressure on us. So, no.  I’m not suggesting you sit down and think about where life is headed right now. Rather, I’m giving you thoughts to let simmer. Let these ideas percolate in the background. 

Then when the quiet crashes in in the post-Christmas let down, perhaps you will return to these thoughts. If you do, let me suggest a place to begin.

What are Your Values?

David Brooks, a journalist and author, divides our “virtues” into two categories.  “Resume virtues” are the skills and achievements that make us useful in the world of work. They don’t have as much to do with building our character, who we are as a person.  “Eulogy virtues”, on the other hand, are those characteristics that others respect and admire in us after we are gone. These virtues push outward and affect others. Diligence, hard work, compassion, justice, mercy, faithfulness, bravery, honesty, etc, all of these are “eulogy virtues”. What you value in yourself, who you want to be or grow into – those are “eulogy virtues.”  

Creating Alignment

I’m not telling you to make these your goals. Rather I am encouraging you to choose goals that align with your values. If you want to be described as being diligent, how will that change your approach to tasks at work or home? If you value being a good spouse, how might that affect the goal you set? If being a good parent/role model is important to you, how does that impact the way you feed your body? If you want to be able to serve others for as long as you live, what sorts of movement changes need to be made to help you age with strength? (Each virtue will impact multiple areas of life. These are just examples.)

A Bonus 

Just an interesting aside: though these “eulogy virtues” should be what are behind the goal, practicing them as you stretch for your goal will help those virtues develop within you. If bravery is the value behind trying to learn new things. You will become braver as you struggle to learn new things. 

How Many Goals?

This brings us to another thought. How many goals have you set in the past?  I confessed that I had pages, many for each area of life. It’s not a bad idea to evaluate how we are doing in each area and even to want to make changes.  But we have to be realistic!  We cannot do it all at once. (I have convinced myself I can and failed repeatedly. Which, I must admit, then led me to guilt.) Most experts will tell you to set no more than two to three goals. End of statement; not two or three per area of life. Two or three in total.

Realistically Counting the Cost

Before you jump into this, however, we must return to the idea of being realistic. Not only should the number of goals be low, but the height of the goals must be realistically achievable.  Losing ten pounds in two weeks is possible but will require such will-power that it is not likely to have the lasting effect you hope it will. Being fluent in another language in three months might be achievable, but it will cost you in time and effort, and are you willing to pay that cost? (You will probably have to live where the language is spoken and pretend that you don’t speak English.)

Small Steps

Neither losing weight (for many of us), nor becoming fluent in another language are poor aspirations.  If those are important and fit with your values, by all means pursue them.  I’m challenging you to take smaller bites and chew slowly. Long term success is generally made up of many more tiny little steps forward than giant leaps. Small successes often result in a building of momentum and more small successes. The effect builds over time. 

Support for the Doing

The next difficulty we run into over and over again, however, is that the SETTING of an achievable goal that aligns with our values is not the same as the DOING.  There must be a point or points of action. What are we doing to support the follow through of the goal? 

Obviously, supporting actions will take lots of different shapes dependent on the goal and even the personality of the person pursuing it. It may look like no longer keeping junk food in the house if the goal is to lose weight.  If the goal is to read my Bible, then it may look like setting an alarm that signals that it is time to stop whatever I am doing and pick up my Bible. 

And When I Fail…?

What if I fail for a day, a week, a month? That depends.  Is the goal still important to who I want to become? If the answer is yes, then what did I not take into account that hindered my progress: travel, an upsetting of routines, a sickness, an unexpected tragedy, the need to retrain my mindset.  If I don’t think about why I’m struggling to follow through, then it is highly likely I will fall into the same patterns and get the same results.

I used to share a video in class of a little one learning to walk.  It was a time-lapse video. Changes in the background revealed that this was probably a two to three month process.  Over and over again she fell or was knocked down by an enthusiastic sibling; she failed. Yet, over and over again she pulled herself back up and started again.  She took faltering, unsteady steps at first.  Just one or two at a time, but slowly she grew bolder. By the end of the video she was toddling confidently along.

Notably, this is how we ALL learned to walk, and yet here we are – doing it daily without thought. Let me encourage you to take the mindset you had as a resilient and persistent toddler. Most of the time, failure is not a cue to give up. In fact, the strength building is in the getting up and trying again. 

Letting It Simmer

So, again, I find myself asking,

• Who do I want to be (big picture)?
• What areas would I like to improve in?
• Which of those is most important to me to hit first?
• What is a realistic goal I can shoot for?
• What action steps do I need to take to support that goal?
• If I fail, what can I tweak or change before I try again. 

So, here I am again – reflecting. What new habits do I think are important to incorporate into my life? Perhaps that is for another post. Christmas preparations need my attention. I have presents left to buy yet, wrapping to do, meals to plan, grocery lists to make, rooms to prepare, etc. I too will be letting these thoughts simmer for a bit.