A Cup of Grace – with a shot of espresso

When I was teaching high schoolers in our small town, I often opened the first day of class by listing for them everyone I was related to within the school system. “These people,” I would say, “are the ones you probably shouldn’t talk about in front of me.” They would laugh, but they also had a snapshot of who I was. When we introduce ourselves, we give our name, but this is often followed with further explanation – other identity markers: who our parents are or spouse is, who our kids are, what we do as a profession. If we look closely, we’ll see that our identity is built using all sorts of pieces that vary in importance to us AND that change with time and even situation. 

Thirty four years ago, not long after we were married, I woke up wide awake in the middle of the night, the remenents of a nightmare clinging to my mind and heart.  I had dreamed that my parents, who at that point had been married 26 years, were getting divorced.  My world was shaken, and even within the nightmare I found myself thinking that if they couldn’t make it, how could there be any hope that my marriage would survive? These were the thoughts that haunted me as I woke. I remember being in tears and crying out to God as I lay there. His answer was not what I expected. 

Rather than comfort me by telling me that it was just a nightmare, that everything was fine, He asked me who I was if my parents were stripped away. Who was I if my husband was stripped away through divorce or death?  Slowly He worked me through each layer that I used to define myself.  Finally, He asked me, “and if you were in a terrible accident that left you physically unrecognizable, who are you?” I finally realized that who I am – the core of me – is His child. The one constant that I can hang onto is that He will never leave or forsake me. If I hold onto Him as my foundation, the shifts of life are bearable. 

Lest you think I had it all figured out from that point on, I didn’t – and don’t. It’s easy to forget.  I struggled with who I was as a wife and young mom. I wasn’t the perfect wife, mom or even homemaker. I fought to figure out how to keep a home presentable with four little ones on a constant rampage of destruction. Should I be the “homesteading mom” who makes everything from scratch, gardens, and cans to provide the healthiest environment for my kids? Should I be “soccer mom” who runs her kids from activity to activity? And what about the kind of wife I need to be? Not to mention friend, church member etc.

I still, after all these years, too often define myself using those things that change.  In the last few years, more of those identities have begun shifting under my feet. I recently left teaching and now stumble about when someone wants to know what I “do”.  I’m having to redefine or remake that part of my identity. My role as a mom has changed as one by one my children have left the nest. Even my view of myself as strong and healthy has been chipped away at as new aches and pains have cropped up and pillow creases linger longer on my face than they “should.” 

In the grand scheme, these are minor shifts. However, some shifts are far more difficult than others. Perhaps you are living my nightmare.  Perhaps your life has shifted and a piece of your identity has been stripped away from you in a way that frightens or even angers you.  Death, divorce, sickness, disappointment, betrayal – all of these deeply impact us.

My question to you is the same I ask myself.  Who am I…at the core when all else is stripped away?  Because the answer to that makes all the difference. My reactions: my choice to be bitter and angry, my choice to live in fear and put up walls, my choice to ruminate on dark and negative thoughts, my choice to complain….all of those potential reactions AND their opposites should be guided by who I am. 

If I am God’s child, forgiveness and compassion in the face of hurt are possible, courage in the face of terror is possible, gratefulness and praise in the darkness is possible. Not because of my strength or your strength, but because we can call out to the One who sees, hears and answers. 

The shifting layers of who we are in whatever roles we play should always be informed by WHOSE we are. When we allow Him to direct our paths, when we hold our desires and hopes with open hands and trust Him, we become the people we truly want to be. How beautiful is the heart that has learned humility, forgiveness, grace, compassion and gratefulness. That is who I want to become.

Philippians 2:13 says, “For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” The God who created the universe and called it good is at work in you. Will you allow the hard things to drive you to Him who sees and loves you completely? Will you ask Him to help you rest in Him, to help you trust Him? What attitudes and actions you choose will determine who you will become. Who do you want to be? What choices do you need to make?